does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
