I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
