theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize