It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
