i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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