He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
