I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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