Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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