So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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