well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
