I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
