Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
