She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
