I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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