2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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