The maid of honor just puked.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
