I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
