yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
