why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
