Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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