Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
