It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
