How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
