Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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