I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
