i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
