her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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