maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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