my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
