She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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