i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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