she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
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