Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
