I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
