i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
