i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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