i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
The air taste purple.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
