capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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