I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
