i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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