I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
