I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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