can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
