Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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