If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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