she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
