my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
