Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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