There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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