The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
