My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
