I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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