I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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