We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
