not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
