he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
