I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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