If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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