All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
