mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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