No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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