I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
FUCK WHALES
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
