I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
