Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Randomize