My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
