my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
