there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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