I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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