So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
